BOUNDARIES THAT TAKE CARE OF US:
I am increasingly aware of the importance of boundaries and their deeper intricacies within the human psyche — and in the way we relate to life and to one another.
I believe there are many types of boundaries, many different ways of setting them or receiving them, and a wide variety of experiences around them.
The experience of setting boundaries can be difficult for some people and easy for others. We may absorb the boundaries imposed on us with ease, or we may feel hurt or harmed by them.
I think of boundaries as the "bricks or building blocks" with which we construct our own structure — both internal and external — that defines and either facilitates or hinders our relationships with others. For example, if we grew up within a very solid but inflexible structure, boundaries may feel suffocating; we may feel imprisoned by any kind of structure, and later struggle to enter, belong to, or commit to anything with defined limits — a relationship, a job, a company, bureaucracy, and so on.
It often happens, for instance, that people who did not have a paternal figure to set clear boundaries go on to struggle with impulse control and constantly seek out their own limits through dangerous behaviours — pushing against the law, authority, or even the boundary of death. At an unconscious level, these individuals may be searching for their own limits by repeatedly overstepping them, needing an external containment they never received sufficiently in childhood.
For people who received boundaries that were very harsh or harmful in their expression, any encounter with structure or limitation can feel painful — generating rejection or the impulse to flee. They may experience boundaries (and the authority that sets them) as a threat to their individuality, their freedom, or their worth as a human being.
From a professional perspective, what I find most valuable is exploring what kind of relationship we have with external authority — the authority that sets limits — and with our own internal authority: how we limit and protect ourselves from what harms us, but also from what is good for us.
This is why I believe it is so important to reclaim the true function that boundaries hold and can hold when used well: to contain, to protect, and to care. People who received clear, loving boundaries may have felt cared for and valued. If their needs — and therefore their own limits — were acknowledged and respected, they will have a clearer sense of who they are and what they feel.
External boundaries become internalised. This means that people whose own boundaries were not respected — particularly physical ones — may struggle to recognise their own bodily sensations and needs, and equally struggle to say no and assert their own limits with others.
Those who have been respected in their physical and personal boundaries will generally accept their own limitations more readily, set more realistic goals, and handle frustration with greater ease.
It is therefore a rich and worthwhile process to explore what kinds of boundaries we have received and internalised, how we set limits for ourselves — whether as self-restriction or self-care — and what we expect or imagine when others receive our boundaries, based on our own experience of them.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or mental. All of them need to be identified and established so that others can interact with us safely. We use boundaries to protect ourselves from harm, but also to define what feels safe and healthy for us — and therefore to allow others into our private emotional space. Boundaries serve both to keep out what we don't want or what hurts us, and to let in what is good for us in a healthy way, making genuine and nourishing relationships possible.
Healthy boundaries, then, are those that are firm yet permeable. This means knowing yourself well — knowing your physical, emotional, and mental limits, and where you end and another person begins. You can hold a firm boundary to prevent others from overstepping, while also choosing, when you feel safe, to let someone in — physically, emotionally, or mentally.
At birth, our boundaries are far from clear, as we need that initial "fusion" with our mother. As we grow, however, we develop them through our natural process of maturation — shaped by our relationships with parental figures and by all the interactions we accumulate throughout life. The process of bonding with parents (or parental figures) and family is essential for developing healthy boundaries, and therefore for relating well to others and building intimate, adult relationships.
If boundaries were not healthy or clear — for example, if a parent did not know their own limits and merged with their child's emotions — the child will end up confused between what they feel and what others feel, finding it difficult to identify and validate their own experience.
If the boundaries imposed were, on the contrary, very harsh or excessively rigid, the child may develop the sense that it is not safe to show or feel emotions, and will tend to suppress them — often seeking external experiences to manage them indirectly, such as drugs, alcohol, outbursts of anger, or risk-taking behaviour.
The good news is that boundaries can be developed in adulthood — by practising and exploring new ways of attending to our emotions and needs. By learning to treat ourselves with loving firmness. By learning to set boundaries that are both firm and permeable — letting in what we trust and what feels good, while limiting what causes us harm.
Some examples of boundaries:
Limiting aspects of my diet or lifestyle habits that are harming me.
Establishing a healthy discipline or routine.
Saying no to proposals that don't feel right, even when they are tempting.
Stepping back from relationships with people who drain or harm me in some way.
Taking time to be with myself.
Proposing working conditions that are healthy and that allow me to engage more fully.
Defending myself against any form of physical, verbal, or emotional attack.
Being able to recognise and speak about my own qualities.
Offering help only when I genuinely feel it.
Voicing my opinion when appropriate, even when I disagree with someone else.
Accepting when another person says no to me.
Quieting the inner voice of self-judgement and shifting my internal dialogue.
And so on.
Boundaries allow us to feel at home in our bodies — to inhabit them, to recognise and feel who we are and what we experience. They allow us to care for our own needs and learn to respect those of others. They help us better understand our limitations, our resources, and our capacities. They give us a greater freedom to simply be — safely and healthily.
I invite you to get curious about your own relationship with boundaries. Do you know what yours are? Do you set them, and how does it feel when you do? Do you recognise your body's limits? Do you respect your own needs and those of others? Are you able to give and receive, or do you tend to keep your distance? Do you feel that those around you respect your opinions, emotions, and actions? Do you tend to push yourself to your limits? Can you say no — to others, and to yourself?
"Let’s care for ourselves and for one another, with boundaries that are clear, firm, loving, and flexible."