THE INNER BATTLE:
Sometimes we operate in a state of battle — within our internal micro-system, there are parts of us that are attacking and invading the space of others. In fact, this can happen quite aggressively at times, leaving a trail of pain and suffering in the parts being attacked.
What happens is that we have so deeply internalized the external judgment and pressure about how we are supposed to be, that anything in us that doesn't fit that imposed standard is harshly attacked by our inner "judge" — making us feel rejected, invalid, not enough… unworthy of being loved.
When the internal attack is so relentless that self-judgment becomes constant and violent, the attacked part can begin to wither — even reaching the point of wanting to stop existing, just to escape this pressure and pain.
It is in these cases that compassion becomes essential — the fundamental ingredient for undoing a conflict that may have lasted for years. First, we need to reach a truce that allows us to pause this war for a few seconds, and from that distance, look at and connect with these two parts in conflict.
It is important in this process to recognize and feel compassion for the part of us that is being attacked, oppressed, disrespected, squeezed into a mold, pushed, ridiculed, blamed, repressed, unseen, unaccepted, and undervalued. Simply becoming aware that we are doing this to a part of ourselves may be enough to begin to change — to start recognizing and validating ourselves.
However, there is another equally necessary step: extending compassion to the part that oppresses, attacks, harms, and disrespects. This part is simply carrying out its mission — trying to make us into only what is acceptable, and attempting to eliminate the aspects of us that are not accepted by our reference group, primarily family and then society.
It is trying to turn us into a person who embodies everything that is "supposed" to make us loved and accepted — and therefore safe. Without realizing that in this clumsy attempt, what it actually achieves is that the attacked part feels clumsy, blocked, frightened, erased, invalidated, and hurt. As a result, that part will show the world only this wounded version of itself, which will end up displeasing the attacking part — which will then strike back again.
But this struggle doesn't only happen internally. This same battle gets projected outward, into our external relationships.
The part that needs support, warmth, and love — since it is not receiving it internally — will seek it outside, placing responsibility on others to save it from this threat. Or it will project its internal attacker onto others, seeing threats, judgments, and put-downs where none exist, sometimes even creating them, or manipulating others into confirming that we are indeed worthy.
The attacking part, which cannot tolerate imperfection in itself, will not tolerate it in others either — feeling uncomfortable, for example, in the face of vulnerability, or being highly demanding of those around it, whether inwardly or outwardly.
This is why expanding our awareness of these internal dynamics is so important — so that we can identify them when they arise, locate the needs of each part involved, and learn to treat both with compassion and care.
This is a large part of the therapeutic work we do in the sessions I offer. In fact, I consider this one of the most beautiful and fulfilling aspects of my work as a therapist. Being able to help others end their inner war — to mediate and reach agreements between the parts involved, to bring peace and mutual respect among all the parts that make up who we are — is truly precious, so much so that it cannot fully be described here.
There is something "magical and contagious" that happens when a human being is freed from their inner war — something that causes those around them to experience the same. And so peace, serenity, and wellbeing can reach more and more people.